Day 19: Media
Today I woke up at 10:00 AM. I didn’t need to get to school at 8:45am like I usually do, I just needed to be there for a meeting at noon. I think I’ve been forgetting to take my thyroid pills (I have hypothyroidism) because despite the 5 hour nap and the 6 hours of sleep I still was incredibly tired!
I’m getting better at being a huge makeup badass despite my limitations (no fancy eyeshadow brush, just my finger). I’m getting lots of compliments, which a huge plus when it comes to being girly. Fellow girly girls are not scared to say “Love your shoes”, or “Love your eyeshadow!” to a stranger, and I can totally respect that!
I cannot respect the lack of definition in this picture
I’m definitely becoming a girly girl with all the repercussions! I keep getting in really weird petty arguments with Noah that are completely based on my own emotional distress.
I’ll be trying to pick out the outfit for tomorrow and get upset, he tries making it better by telling me to deal with it because its not a big deal, which eventually leads me to break down in tears and demand I be treated like a girl for once, because I’m not a man, and I just want someone to treat me sweet.
I’ve never felt so needy, and what I say I want isn’t always what I want. Everything in my heart just feels all over the place. It’s kind of like I’m PMSing but less of the anger and more of the raging (emotions). Poor Noah has no idea what he got himself into, neither did I! I expected that I should act more high maintenance but I didn’t think in my wildest dreams that it would just come natural.
No wonder the dating game is so complex, being girly, it would be hard to land a man! Who wants to deal with all the emotions? I know I sure as hell don’t! If my boyfriend put anything like that on me I would tell him to go to therapy or grow up, I expect the same for girls too.
Why the double standard? I do appreciate guys that can be my shoulder to cry on when I have valid reasons to be upset. But I don’t expect that when my boyfriend is upset, that he should just go away and throw a chair or something, he has just as much of a right to feeling emotions as I do.
Someone incredibly wonderful let me borrow her eco-friendly makeup remover and I remembered what was like to not feel like I’m rubbing my skin bare! This stuff is amazing!
Hell F****ing yes to carrots!!
My face even looks livelier!
I watched the first episode of “Sex and The City” today. I suggest anyone who wants to know what it feels like to be a film/TV critic should watch this show. First of all, the intro is only Sarah Jessica Parker walking around in some weird creepily age inappropriate ballerina dress while all the other main characters have their names shown with no faces except hers looking oblivious and dazed. It screams “I’m Sarah Jessica Parker!!! I’m the star! No one else is important!” despite the only reason she’s the focus is that everyone is trying to hard to find out why she appears the most desirable compared to her much more attractive and interesting friends.
Why won’t they accept me for who I really am; a vulnerable 12 year old girl?
Then the episode ends with her in the car with some really creepy guy, who’s also the apparent the love interest throughout the show called “Mr. Bigg” (great name!) that talks like a sex offender and makes the show feel like a sleazy porn that just never got to the sex. Ew, this is going to be hard to stomach, but I’m learning a lot about the reeking desperation females accept about themselves and the pungent perversion that men give in to.
Now I know why I was always so scared of men in Junior high despite the fact they avoided me like the plague. Thanks Mother Culture for making me look like a jackass all of my puberty.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )Day 18: Music
Today I woke up at 7. It was really hard for me to wake up, and I initially was supposed to wake up at 6:30 to shower but I was so tired!!
I felt really insecure all day. I felt fat and ugly. I’ve never felt so unhappy with my appearance when trying so hard.
This project has been incedibly hard for me but I found a glimmer of hope! I talked with my English teacher, who has been a great help with this whole experiment, and he told me I can get independent study credits for this! I won’t have to feel so guilty for working so hard on this over homework!
Every time I feel discouraged or hopeless about doing this and want to give up, something happens to push me forward. Now I feel like I don’t even have a choice, and that’s actually really great!
I feel almost flawlessly girly now, so I think I need to take some aspects to the next step. I compiled a playlist of girly songs and I’ll be watching Sex in The City/Gilmore Girls.
I even wrote in girly handwriting!
Writing girly is kinda fun. I used to doodle but I got so insecure, girly handwriting feels like doodling but not as embarrassing. I know exactly how to make everything look pretty, where with doodling random people/flowers etc can look like crap. I compiled the playlist on Grooveshark.com and when “Toxic” by Britney Spears came on I literally got a little nauseous. I didn’t know I was so pretentious!
I’m excited to rip some CD’s, though poor Noah will have to sit through it in the car with me. I need to talk to some girls who have the music.
Yay! pink!
Tonight I passed out at 5:30 and woke up at around 10pm! It was amazing!! I felt refreshed, relaxed, revitalized! I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to get to sleep later but I was incredibly tired by 1am. This is such hard work, I think it takes more of an emotional toll than I could ever have imagined.
Day 17: Second Nature
Today I woke up at 7. It was an average morning. I went the extra mile with the makeup to make up for the days before.
Naturally I don’t look nearly as awesome here as I did all day
I decided to be a little bold and add some purple under the eye as well. It seemed to transform my look because I got compliments left and right! Even my boyfriend noticed (at the end of the day)!
I’ve noticed that my blog posts have contained less self reflective content and more mundane details regarding the experiment. I think this has partly to do with me being busy and partly because I’m becoming much more interested in material things instead of intangible theories.
Speaking of material things, I really need some gray leggings! well, I actually just need different colored leggings in general!
I have been incredibly girly pretty much the whole day, its been wonderful! There’s this light, on a cloud kind of feeling I get from being girly. But there is still a hole in my facade; I don’t have enough girly friends!!
I’m no longer insecure about the clackety noises my shoes make. I don’t really care anymore if people think I’m some kind of idiot, shallow, poser, or girly. I am who I am, and no one can bring that down. Ever since the boat party I’ve had an “I’m awesome” attitude, and it’s been great.
I’ve developed the habit of talking myself up whenever I do something remotely good. I can’t say that its a bad habit at all, though its completely uncharacteristic of me! When I initially started becoming girly I emulated the personality of my stepsister from when I remembered her in high school.
She was incredibly negative, the attitude placed her above her peers because she could bring them down and make herself seem too good for a lot of activities. Not to say that was her underlying motivation to be so negative, she had her own personal issues, but it did make me look up to her unflinchingly as a child.
I emulated that personality in high school, but it didn’t suit me and it took a lot for me to make myself act less pouty all the time. I’ve done a complete 180 since then and I love it!
I wore the new shoes today! They were great! I showed them off whenever I could and whenever I talked about them I either ended up squealing or jumping up and down. They are my magic confidence boots; they empower me to act girly!
When I got home and took them off I realized though that there were hidden consequences. My jeans had curled up and were pressing against my ankle the whole day. I didn’t feel a thing until I took them off! Unlike my other shoes which practically screamed at me to stop wearing them these were silent killers.
Not pictured: Pain
All of a sudden when I got back the energy was sapped out of me. I was filled with a wrenching need for attention and gratification. I wanted to go to a club or a party and feel loved by everyone. I felt empty without people around me. This experiment has made me crave attention to a level I could have never been able to comprehend!
Maybe it’s not attention, but approval? and maybe it’s not the experiment, but the fact I could have made some great friends on the boat party but I didn’t get to, and now I feel like I missed an opportunity of a lifetime. I don’t know, all I know is all of a sudden I feel incredibly cut off from the world where before this experiment I felt like girly girls were the ones cut off (the internet was my avenue).
Before I hated the idea of having lots of friends, lots of people to keep track of, to keep up with. Now I’m open to that idea, I just need to make the friends, which is the hard part. It’s slow progress, but I’m working my way up!
By the way, this outfit was all my original clothes(except the boots)! Noah got me the vintage 70’s coat for our anniversary and I got the turtleneck from Macy’s since I got a gift card there. Don’t remember where the scarf came from but pretty awesome eh?
My skin is finally starting to suffer from the frequent makeup use and constant stress. Today when I applied it my skin felt less workable, rougher, drier, and lifeless. Before, my skin was radiant, smooth, and sometimes flawless. I’m beginning to get zits, though I won’t go so far as to say I’m breaking out.
Guess which side has makeup!
I am so exhausted by the end of the day, I’ve decided to only shower ever other day as my skin has become dry and itchy and it’s bad for my hair. Also, I get some days where I can finally sleep when I want to!
My body’s perfect balance has been ruined! I used to have smooth skin all over my body, now I’ve developed strange bumps throughout. On my chest, my wrist, my face, my legs, it just never ends!
I am so tired; I don’t have the emotional or physical energy to pull this thing off. But I have to push through; a girly girl wouldn’t give up on her appearance just because of an exhausting day!
Day 16: Chugging Along
Today I woke up at 6:49!! I was panicky, I thought we had to leave ASAP, and Noah always ended up late to his class because of my high maintenance experiment in the past. He informed me that we still had 45 minutes to get ready, but that still was not enough for me!
I woke up with kinda curlyish hair and though that it might look alright if I just hairsprayed it up. I tried it and asked my mom, she said “Good, but a little messy” Sorry mom, but coming from you that means it looks completely unpresentable.
I brushed out the hairspray and tried to curl my hair with a straightener. Hey, I’ve seen it done and it looks fantastic!! But I realized then I have no idea what the hell to do when it comes to curling my hair with a straightener.
Long story short, my hair has never been treated so cruelly, and after trying over and over again I finally just straightened it. My hair was furious with me though and refused to straighten properly.
The chunks of stiffly limp hair say it all
I didn’t even have time to do eye makeup, and I left a vital portion of eyeshadows at Lacey’s, which I have yet to get back.
We finally went back to Noah’s house, I realized that at my house I tend to be a huge lazy ass, which contributes to the feeling that it’s something of a vacation from the stressors of life, but once I got back to Noah’s, I felt the passion override the stress and once I did some studying went back to writing furiously.
Not that I’m saying being at my place makes me this no good slacker, I just look at it as my haven where I can finally kick off my shoes and do nothing for a good 8 hours straight. It’s nice, I love it!
I also brought to his house a bunch of clothes that would prove useful for this. You thought packing for my hosue was bad, look at what I just brought up alone(not including the clothes from Noah’s)!
I didn’t know I had so much clothes!!
I have a lot more overcoats of many types now, so this winter won’t be quite as harsh. Oh, and geuss what I got A DAY EARLY?!?! when I found out, I literally squealed, jumped around the room for a few minutes, and maintained an ear to ear grin for even longer.
YES!!
They fit, they don’t hurt, and most importantly, they are SO CUTE! Now I need to figure out how to maintain their immaculate perfection. And considering my light brown boots, that’s going to be an enormous challenge. I have to congratulate myself though; I really know how to save money on shoes. I’ve gotten tons of compliments on my light brown boots and they were only $20, these hot mamas (probably incredibly inappropriate slang for nice shoes) were only $38!
These shoes have revived my inner girly; I began this day in a terrible mood and wanted to either quit school, work, or this experiment and ended feeling so excited to show off my new shoes to everyone. That’s the true girly way! I need to let these kind of things bring me up, make me peppy, and make me carefree.
the flats I wore today on the other hand revived my inner man. Those things HURT! I wish I had my Walmart Men’s Dept. shoes again 😦
At least these new boots will hurt somewhere else
Bet you can’t wait to see me in those boots!
I can’t believe I’m more than halfway through! I feel like I haven’t really learned that much. I hope that I will be able to to spend some more girly time with girls and really be socialized. Right now, I still feel my true self tugging at me, and I miss her terribly.
Something I have learned from this is that I’m freaking awesome the way I am, and no one could tell me otherwise! I won’t go into details of just why I’m so great, but seeing myself come out at certain times reminds me that who I am is someone real and kind. People were scared that I would change for the worse, but this could only change me for the better.
Day 15: Miserably Busy
I woke up at 6:30 today. I got 3 hours of sleep because of a presentation today. There isn’t much to say besides the fact that I hate Mondays more than I have ever hated anything time related EVER. Even aging.
At least I didn’t end up wearing the 80’s outfit
I went to a Mary Kay thing today. I have no idea what exactly it was, but spent an hour and a half learning about how to apply makeup to different face types and how to create certain facial illusions. The video that taught me this was 10 or 15 minutes, the rest of it was something between recruiting consultants and advertising products.
If I had time to have an extra job I might consider being a consultant that is if I was the kind of person that can be super excited all day about something, which I’m not. Maybe I should try to be one of these people for my experiment; it seems to take a lot of energy and acting skills.
Anyway, I passed out while studying at 11:30. Sorry about the short post, but the day was consumed with a lot unrelated stuff. Honestly, it felt like a waste regarding this experiment, though my feet were suitably uncomfortable!
Day 13 and 14: The Initiation
Today I got to go to my very first boat party! I woke up at 10:30 and it took me a few hours to coordinate my outfit just for the daytime. I think I’m going to wear this outfit for Day 15 by the way because no one at school really saw me in it and I’m running out of clothes since I’m still at my house.
Ughh, I HATE the 80’s and their convoluted style
You’ll never guess who lent me the fishnet shirt!
My outfit was one of the biggest stretches I’d dealt with when it comes to fashion. I absolutely abhor the eighties and everything that has to do with their style. It looks so unflattering! But I had the clothes. It took some creativity to really push the look. I needed a waist belt but I didn’t have any, so I took a belt from my closet that I hadn’t worn since sophomore year of high school and taped it together. I of course gave myself a pat on the back for my creativity.
Still, I feel like a huge poser/sell out and will be incredibly embarrassed if I can’t find a way to pull together a better look for tomorrow. It doesn’t even seem that girly, it seems too stupid. ugh!
Anyway, I got to my friend’s house at about 2:30 pm, the party was to start at 9pm. We were going to have girl time for the rest of it! I was really excited, especially because the car ride felt so lonely without Noah next to me(he went to hang out with guy friends over the weekend).
Girl time started out a bit shaky since I didn’t know Lacey’s friends too well, but we all warmed up to each other pretty quickly. One of them even read a lot of my blog, which made me really excited! We talked about girly things; makeup, fashion, nails, hair, etc, and it was nice. One girl did everyone’s makeup, and told me about an awesome website called makeupgeek.com.
Getting the “smoky eye”
It seems that having someone do your makeup is similar to when chimps pick lice off each other. I mean, if you do some light reading on it you’ll see that not only does it help them be cleaner but it’s also a bonding experience. For us girls, it’s a very similar dynamic.
When it got to be around 6:30, we shared some wine together and then I really loosened up. Now I don’t mean to sound cocky, but when I drink I become AWESOME. When I’m sober I can be really shy in a group of people, especially people I don’t know too well, but when I drink I lose my insecurities and not only to I act awesome and super friendly and nice but I also act way smarter!
Lacey and Rebecca
Lacey and her sister
I’ve been trying to crack the code where I am like this all the time because I love drunk me, but to no avail! But being an alcoholic won’t suit me either, because alcohol destroys my body. Physically it really takes its toll in many terrible ways.
On our way to the party, we saw a huge limo parking in front of the dock, I felt like I was going to some high class VIP event, even though I could hear other people in the background complaining about the size of the boat.
The boat had a bar area/a dance floor, an upstairs bathroom area/lounge, and up one more floor was the roof outside for people to enjoy the fresh air. My friends and I were hanging out at the lounge when I told them I wanted to make lots of friends here.
“Yeah, that would be fun, but you can only make guy friends, you can’t talk to girls,” one of them said.
“Oh, that sucks,” I complained just when I group of girls walked up the stairs, heading for the roof. I still felt like being friendly so I waved and smiled. I exclaimed to my friends; “I just want to be able to make friends with people!”
“We do too!” Two of the girls heading for the roof overheard me and walked over to us. I was thrilled! We chatted with them for a while until I was just talking to them and my friends left. I realized I needed to find them since the boat was about to take off so I bid the new girls adieu.
This was a great start to an absolutely amazing party. I met tons of awesome people! Sadly, my phone was dead so it was near impossible to exchange contact info (I was not going to give my number to any guys no matter how nice they seemed, it just wasn’t appropriate!) but I did give my email to two people and my number to one really nice girl named Vera.
Also, I cannot remember ANYONE’S name that I met there. I left really sad because there seemed to be some really interesting and awesome people there! I hope I can go to the next boat party and there will be the same people.
I probably was hit on that night alone more times than I’ve been hit on in my life! I learned how to be assertive without being too bitchy (though I’m sure many guys would argue the contrary).
It’s a tough situation for women when they’re at a club/party and have a boyfriend: you have to be very clear that you are not interested and that you are faithful without seeming too bitchy, and most guys will say “well, we can still be friends right?” and you can’t really discern between the liars and the honest ones.
My dress
I’m sure I pissed off more than a few guys out there, but what am I supposed to do? Just let guys grind up on me while I’m dancing? No, I’ve got morals (despite the lack of religious background) and I do not let guys touch me just because my boyfriend isn’t there to judge.
When you’re taken and all these guys hit on you though, you get to see their hidden agendas and insecurities play out much more clearly than if you were single and looking. One very pushy guy kept insisting on dancing with me and after he continued to try to get too close and I left he came back asking me why I “bailed”. He then tried to play the “if you want me, come get me” card which meant I was finally free from his idiocy.
But seriously, despite the assholes, this party was phenomenal! I got to meet so many beautiful and sweet girls who really taught me how to just let loose and be carefree. It seemed that the most attractive girls would gravitate toward me, which I didn’t mind in the least. I got to dance really close to them and I honestly felt like I was getting lucky they were so gorgeous!
One really amazing girl kept telling me I was so adorable and that everyone there wanted to get to know me. She said I was the most beautiful girl at the party and people noticed! Of course I ate it all up, it was great!!
At the end, I felt like some sort of goddess. Guys and girls alike were coming up to me and telling me I was so beautiful and asking my name. I have no idea if this is normal, but I was NOT complaining.
I got invited by at least 2 people to come join them for the after party. The limo was waiting outside!! I told my friend Lacey and she was ecstatic, but our other friends wanted to go home so we didn’t get to go. I was absolutely heartbroken! I really hope I get to go to the next one!
This party was the biggest ego boost I have ever had. I now think I am to most beautiful and awesome person ever! I’m definitely going to hit up the clubs when I can nowadays, and this time my boyfriend will be there!
But seriously, I learned a lot from that experience. The most important thing was how vital it is to meet new and different people to learn from them. It’s also really important to know when to relax and just have a good time. So many people go to parties and just go off in their little corner with their tight circle of friends, but that’s just so exclusive!
You’re definitely a better person if you are capable of being friends with anyone. You don’t have to necessarily have lots of friends, but being open to having lots of friends facilitates and open mind, and that’s really important!
In a way, this experience was life changing. Partly because of the massive ego boost and partly because I learned why being girly has so much appeal. I felt like this was the turning point where I finally feel part of the girly community, where I passed the difficult trial, and now I’ve broken through the barrier. And I have to say I love it!
Day 12: A Breath of Fresh air
Today I woke up at 11. I forgot that I had to meet with the drama club at noon until 11:40 so I just packed all my makeup in my bag and did it in the car.
When I met with the club I felt a little flustered, so I didn’t really specify what I was looking for, but I was really glad to see that they supported my idea and weren’t offended by it.
I didn;t do much that day. Though I should explain that the house I’ve been taking pictures in isn’t really where I live, it’s just where I stay when I have to wake up early in the morning for school. My real home is 45 minutes away from school, I love it there but I’m too busy and it’s just not convenient.
My boyfriend lives at the home nearer to the school, but this weekend (it’s a Friday) he decided to go camping with some buddies. That was fine with me, because that same weekend I was going on a boat party with some girlfriends.
I had to pack for my house. Normally, when I go to my house it wasn’t a concern to pack for the weekend. This time I had to pack A LOT of stuff!
This is what I packed before this experiment:
My point exactly
What I packed this time:
Clothes for 1 day
High Maintenance?
That was pretty much my day. Whenever I get to my house I get super lazy though, so I stayed up watching trashy TV until about 1 and then went straight to bed. It was nice to relax, but I felt so guilty after wards. It was one of those rare nights where I felt completely relaxed though, so it was nice!
Day 11: Time on my Hands
I woke up at 7 this morning. I was supposed to wake up at at least 6:30, but for some reason I was incredibly tired. That was a sarcastic statement by the way. Of course I’m really tired! I barely have time to piss anymore!
yes, I was freaking tired!
I re-wore my outfit from day 3, I felt ashamed, but the night before I was so eager to sleep I just threw together an outfit. There was quite an inner struggle with it, but I was able to pull it off to make it look at least slightly different.
I compensated for it this morning by putting a lot of effort into my makeup and hair. All the compliments I got at school also made me feel less guilty for cheating. I also kind of cheated and stumbled a few times on Stumbleupon( a program where you just click a “Stumble!” button on your browser and are instantly lead to a random but awesome website) . God I miss the internet!!
I feel cut off from so many potentially awesome random crap. I especially miss Digg and Cracked. God those websites are fun, they are sorely missed.
Today I decided to force myself to act peppy as possible. It really helps me feel better! I told my friends at school and they were initially upset that I was taking on the girly personality as well. I had to explain the inner struggle I had to bear because of my genuine personality clashing with my fake looks.
It’s hard to explain, but there really is a huge clash. Being fully aware of people’s judgments and assuptions of me breaks my confidence down. I can’t be embarrassed about the clacking noise my heels make at every step and I can’t get upset when I see someone who knew me before this and doesn’t know about the experiment.
Noah and I finally had some extra time on our hands, and we decided to go out to get sushi at the mall. It was a great time, my peppiness made me feel like everyone was on my side, like everyone was my friend.
After sushi we went to the mall. I realized that when it comes to being a girly girl, you have to force yourself to be oblivious of what other people think. I walked around and forced deep thoughts out of my head. I decided to make myself a caricature of a girly girl that day. The servers seemed to treat me better, and it just felt like people liked me! I had a skip in my step and things like crappy mall music and catty glares completely went over my head.
In the middle of shopping, Noah said he didn’t like it anymore, that he wished he could be real with me like we normally were.
At first I thought that he was giving in to the stereotypes and assumptions of what a girly girl was to him then I realized it was nearly impossible for me to talk deeply with the attitude I had. I felt oblivious and I wanted to stay that way. My thoughts were “Clothes, clothes, clothes! Oooh and shoes!” and if I were to have a deep conversation I would be thinking about my surroundings; the people around me, who they were and what they must be thinking when they see me.
I felt like this new girl had blinders on. I didn’t notice anything but the useless crap what was in in front of me.
America’s version of rose colored glasses
(photo credit:
http://design.sva.edu/site/sva_assets/0000/0225/blinders_prototype_horiz602.jpg)
At the mall we picked out some clothes for me to wear for tomorrow. One of the dresses was a pink turtleneck with no sleeves. It looked a little tacky but I needed something pink and I thought maybe I could salvage it if I wore it with a long sleeved shirt. When I was in the dressing room I took a better look at it and realized it had one of those cleavage holes in the front! I came out and Noah asked me why I didn’t show him the outfit and I exclaimed that it was a lot more whorish than I thought it was.
After we left he told me the girls working there were giving me dirty looks because of my comment. Normally, I would have felt like crap about myself; my biggest fear socially is people judging me. I get really depressed thinking that someone thinks I’m a bad person.
This time though I said “well, if they think whorish clothes are classy, then more power to them!” it was a bitchy comment yes, but I felt free to be who I wanted to be for once. I didn’t care if I looked like a bitch anymore, I was allowed to be me without feeling social pressures!
New eyeshadows from Claires. All of a sudden I’m excited to wear makeup tomorrow, wonder why?
It was wonderful! The only other times I felt so careless was when I drank. I’ve always felt so limited by almost everyone I knew. I have always held back my real feelings about things, repressed my emotions and impulsive actions. This new me I like! I know I know, being oblivious is not something to be admired. I shouldn’t embrace stupidity. But this is part of my experiment, and I’m gonna go as far as I can go without harming myself.
If I maintain my old mannerisms, I’ll also get more and more insecure about how false I’ve become. I’m learning a lot about how to get over some of my old insecurities.
On a more shallow note, I just realized why I’ve been hating being girly so much lately!! It ties into why girls always want to go shopping. I get bored with all the same clothes and makeup and lose motivation, but once I go shopping and get new crap I’m ready for more!
Ooh, pretty!
Hopefully this will be used often for my many girls nights out/parties I should be attending
This will be incredibly costly though, and I can’t keep a pattern of spending money up. I wish Costco had cute clothes packs like the awesome eyeshadows I got at Claire’s! Life would be so much easier! Maybe… just maybe, if I gain enough popularity with this, I could get donations?? That would be amazing!!! Well, if you’re reading this, spread the word! Maybe you know some girlies with clothes they could spare…
Also, a good habit I’m making to make this blog better is gradually working on it throughout the day and when I get home I turn on E! or Bravo and watch a variety of girly shows. Among them are “Real Housewives of Orange County”, “Millionaire Matchmaker”, “Fashion Police”, “The Girls Next Door”, and “Keeping up With the Kardashians”.
It’s pretty brutal at times. Real housewives, which I’m watching right now, is frightening! The women are so incredibly catty, yet they all remain friends for some convoluted reason. I don’t know how these women stay so mean at such an advanced age. I mean, I never knew girls like that even in high school!
Hopefully I won’t run into any women like that during this experiment! But whatever happens, I’ve been through the worst of it (I hope!).
Day 10: Embracing the Girly
This morning I woke up at 6:30.I didn’t feel the need to style my hair because I was going to wear a hat. This outfit was very similar to Day 4, but not enough for anyone to notice, or comment on.
The routine is beginning to wear on me, now that I don’t really have any new, exciting, or effortless outfits/makeup to show off, it all feels so redundant and pointless.
Still, my behavior has changed. I have definitely become more girly over these ten days. Not laughing at off color jokes has become more natural, I thoroughly enjoy looking at Amazon.com for shoes, and talking to girls about what they’re wearing feels normal.
I’ve even gotten so girly I bought awesome black boots for $38 on Amazon!! I’m honestly super excited about them, like really excited.
Yes, I know, I have great taste!
These boots feel like the solution to life right now. It would be scary to think that this new shoe-crazy Corrina could be me forever. Good thing my next personality will be completely different.
I don’t think this could be the real me forever though. I hate this, it’s really hard to get up from bed to take off my makeup, take a shower, shave my legs, wash my face, and put lotion on my bare, exposed legs. I honestly prefer having hairy legs, and I’m even less ashamed to say that now of all times!
The detrimental effect this has had on my self esteem and confidence is the worst though. I would love to go back to barely wearing makeup, being ogled by few but respected by many. This new me is so full of emotional cavities, fatal flaws, and general problems. Even when talking to my friends I seem to leave with a gaping hole in my heart and a tumor of shame. I feel so out of place like this, I need to act the part and when I don’t I just look like a bitch.
The old me could never pull off the comments the new me is able to pull off! When I object strongly to something it’s ok because I’m supposed to be enthusiastic about things anyway. But it’s not working out because I’m not enthusiastic, I’m just me with a bunch of makeup and fancy clothes.
The person I was before was balanced and content. Now this new me is teetering between being someone she is supposed to hate and someone she knows is the real her. It’s really hard; that along with the fact that I have to accept and even embrace being considered as an inferior to others.
I talked to a drama teacher about this today. I learned a lot about how to I can go about becoming a girly girl. She suggested I observe girly girls in action at places like the mall or a nail parlour. This weekend I planned on cleaning, but I think instead I’ll be doing some vital research.
What to do this weekend:
- watch Legally Blonde
- Go to mall and observe girlies
- Get nails redone
- Give myself french manicure on toenails
- If there’s time, clean!
I know! But I was so tired; I didn’t feel like figuring out a whole new outfit!!
The meeting with her reinvigorated my passion for this project. I have a lot more direction and I’m excited to truly take on this personality. I still get really sad because my mind is not accepting of this change. It definitely takes a lot of strength to do this, and I hope I have that strength.
Day 9: Revelations
This morning was really hard. I had organized my outfit for tomorrow but realized it was much too cold out the next morning and had to take the time to find another one. This was incredibly stressful because I desperately need some black boots but I can’t seem to find any. Almost all of the outfits I compiled I can’t wear because they don’t go with any of my shoes!
I really really really really need some black effing boots!
Anyway, when I got to class later for Biology I had to go with a different group than normal. I ended up in a group of all men. two of which seemed to be either complete idiots or total stoners.
Not that I have a problem with stoners, quite the contrary, I think they’re really laid back and nice people. But these guys seemed to have instantly wrote me off as some dumb bimbo and initially tried to take charge of the experiment by avoiding any interaction with their group mates whatsoever.
I should have been a good girly girl and embraced this assumption but I was furious to be treated like an invalid and worked to prove my worth. It seemed though that the more I spoke and asked critical questions regarding the experiment the more I was considered to be not only a dumb bimbo, but a controlling one too.
I try my best to encourage others to have their say in the matter because as a child I was never given a chance to speak. I also try not to be too passive because I was never allowed to speak my mind as a child and I don’t want to perpetuate that feeling I had of being wallpaper.
Still, I think I strike a pretty good balance between the two extremes, though I do tend to be a little passive at times.
I get extremely upset when I am treated like I’m controlling or stupid because I am neither, and far from those too! But still, many times, as a woman, being assertive is interpreted as being aggressive and being smart makes men feel emasculated, so I just can’t win with these guys!
I realized that as a girly girl, there is a stereotype of them being dumb. I knew a girl in junior high who was in all the AP(advanced placement) classes but she dropped out because she was ashamed. She later became popular even though she was into sports and incredibly smart.
scabbing from day 3‘s shoes
From seeing what I saw today, I understand the extreme pressures girls go through to become their prescribed stereotypes. If a girly girl were to come into a class knowing what was going on and giving all the right answers, the social contradiction in others’ minds would be overwhelming.
Some people absolutely need to categorize others, especially if the targeted people appear to fit into a certain category. I think that once that idea is set in some people’s minds, it’s hard to change.
Today I felt less respect for humanity. The fact that I am put into a box because if my appearance saddens and disgusts me. But most of all, the fact that such smart women are put into the same box everyday is the worst.
How many times have you talked to a girly girl and kept the conversation to ‘her level’ because she was obviously not capable of something more? How many times have you seen someone like her and talked shit about how she won’t do anything but find a man and have his children?
I know I’ve done it. It’s so easy, so acceptable, because she’s asking for it right? She’s putting so much time and effort into her appearance, so that must be all she really cares about. What if she could have been better? What if in high school she gave in to the social pressures and once she was out there was no turning back? What if once that hair goes blonde and the clothes stay cute then everyone just thinks they know what she is deep inside?
Is there really a girl who never had any dreams in life but to be whisked away by her brave knight to live comfortably in a castle having his children? Is this what she chose to think, or did we choose it for her?
More “payoff” from looking so good
There isn’t a payoff to all this, looking pretty doesn’t “pay off”. It just makes people decide who you are before you have a say.
I was reading my textbook for abnormal psychology and the acceptability of judging people based on their appearance is tangible! “The client’s general mode of dress (neat, conventional, sloppy, flashy) … may be correlated with personality traits, or, perhaps, with a disorder.”
Not that I’m saying there is never any merit behind such judgments. There is a lot of merit behind it, or else psychologists wouldn’t use it as a tool to assess clients.
But my point is that it is acceptable to judge people based on their clothing and physical appearance. What does that do to these girls?
I’m also not saying that they are completely absolved of their actions, but I don’t agree with blind or even somewhat founded judgments against people that push them further into their stereotypes.
When I get passionate about what I’m saying in the presence of another man, and he interprets it as me being bitter and angry, I get more bitter and angry than I ever was because I’m being put into a place where I can’t truly be considered who I really am, and it makes me angry!
If a girly girl talks to a group of men, and whenever she says something smart or insightful they laugh and patronize her, she is expected to be what they think she should be, and after how many times this happens will she stop fighting it, especially if when she fights it she is looked at as some pretentious bitch.
This was a real wake up call. I didn’t really think there was much justification for girly girls to act so stupid. I thought men would be attracted to an intelligent and well put together woman.
Today has broken me down a bit. I feel insecure and depressed. This is an overwhelming feeling of helplessness. I need to embrace this feeling and surround myself with girls who embrace who I’ve made myself become. I hope tomorrow will be better.
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Monthly Makeovers 
