Day 11: Time on my Hands
I woke up at 7 this morning. I was supposed to wake up at at least 6:30, but for some reason I was incredibly tired. That was a sarcastic statement by the way. Of course I’m really tired! I barely have time to piss anymore!
yes, I was freaking tired!
I re-wore my outfit from day 3, I felt ashamed, but the night before I was so eager to sleep I just threw together an outfit. There was quite an inner struggle with it, but I was able to pull it off to make it look at least slightly different.
I compensated for it this morning by putting a lot of effort into my makeup and hair. All the compliments I got at school also made me feel less guilty for cheating. I also kind of cheated and stumbled a few times on Stumbleupon( a program where you just click a “Stumble!” button on your browser and are instantly lead to a random but awesome website) . God I miss the internet!!
I feel cut off from so many potentially awesome random crap. I especially miss Digg and Cracked. God those websites are fun, they are sorely missed.
Today I decided to force myself to act peppy as possible. It really helps me feel better! I told my friends at school and they were initially upset that I was taking on the girly personality as well. I had to explain the inner struggle I had to bear because of my genuine personality clashing with my fake looks.
It’s hard to explain, but there really is a huge clash. Being fully aware of people’s judgments and assuptions of me breaks my confidence down. I can’t be embarrassed about the clacking noise my heels make at every step and I can’t get upset when I see someone who knew me before this and doesn’t know about the experiment.
Noah and I finally had some extra time on our hands, and we decided to go out to get sushi at the mall. It was a great time, my peppiness made me feel like everyone was on my side, like everyone was my friend.
After sushi we went to the mall. I realized that when it comes to being a girly girl, you have to force yourself to be oblivious of what other people think. I walked around and forced deep thoughts out of my head. I decided to make myself a caricature of a girly girl that day. The servers seemed to treat me better, and it just felt like people liked me! I had a skip in my step and things like crappy mall music and catty glares completely went over my head.
In the middle of shopping, Noah said he didn’t like it anymore, that he wished he could be real with me like we normally were.
At first I thought that he was giving in to the stereotypes and assumptions of what a girly girl was to him then I realized it was nearly impossible for me to talk deeply with the attitude I had. I felt oblivious and I wanted to stay that way. My thoughts were “Clothes, clothes, clothes! Oooh and shoes!” and if I were to have a deep conversation I would be thinking about my surroundings; the people around me, who they were and what they must be thinking when they see me.
I felt like this new girl had blinders on. I didn’t notice anything but the useless crap what was in in front of me.
America’s version of rose colored glasses
At the mall we picked out some clothes for me to wear for tomorrow. One of the dresses was a pink turtleneck with no sleeves. It looked a little tacky but I needed something pink and I thought maybe I could salvage it if I wore it with a long sleeved shirt. When I was in the dressing room I took a better look at it and realized it had one of those cleavage holes in the front! I came out and Noah asked me why I didn’t show him the outfit and I exclaimed that it was a lot more whorish than I thought it was.
After we left he told me the girls working there were giving me dirty looks because of my comment. Normally, I would have felt like crap about myself; my biggest fear socially is people judging me. I get really depressed thinking that someone thinks I’m a bad person.
This time though I said “well, if they think whorish clothes are classy, then more power to them!” it was a bitchy comment yes, but I felt free to be who I wanted to be for once. I didn’t care if I looked like a bitch anymore, I was allowed to be me without feeling social pressures!
New eyeshadows from Claires. All of a sudden I’m excited to wear makeup tomorrow, wonder why?
It was wonderful! The only other times I felt so careless was when I drank. I’ve always felt so limited by almost everyone I knew. I have always held back my real feelings about things, repressed my emotions and impulsive actions. This new me I like! I know I know, being oblivious is not something to be admired. I shouldn’t embrace stupidity. But this is part of my experiment, and I’m gonna go as far as I can go without harming myself.
If I maintain my old mannerisms, I’ll also get more and more insecure about how false I’ve become. I’m learning a lot about how to get over some of my old insecurities.
On a more shallow note, I just realized why I’ve been hating being girly so much lately!! It ties into why girls always want to go shopping. I get bored with all the same clothes and makeup and lose motivation, but once I go shopping and get new crap I’m ready for more!
Hopefully this will be used often for my many girls nights out/parties I should be attending
This will be incredibly costly though, and I can’t keep a pattern of spending money up. I wish Costco had cute clothes packs like the awesome eyeshadows I got at Claire’s! Life would be so much easier! Maybe… just maybe, if I gain enough popularity with this, I could get donations?? That would be amazing!!! Well, if you’re reading this, spread the word! Maybe you know some girlies with clothes they could spare…
Also, a good habit I’m making to make this blog better is gradually working on it throughout the day and when I get home I turn on E! or Bravo and watch a variety of girly shows. Among them are “Real Housewives of Orange County”, “Millionaire Matchmaker”, “Fashion Police”, “The Girls Next Door”, and “Keeping up With the Kardashians”.
It’s pretty brutal at times. Real housewives, which I’m watching right now, is frightening! The women are so incredibly catty, yet they all remain friends for some convoluted reason. I don’t know how these women stay so mean at such an advanced age. I mean, I never knew girls like that even in high school!
Hopefully I won’t run into any women like that during this experiment! But whatever happens, I’ve been through the worst of it (I hope!).