Day 15: Drawing
Today was essentially recovery and cleanup from last night’s party. It was a time where I found it necessary to sit and watch a movie and take care of Noah who had been drinking and having fun until 6 that morning and woke up at 10am (still drunk). He was feeling pretty sick, so instead of going to some New Age events I decided it was a fateful opportunity to take care of the dogs, read more Eckhart Tolle (Awakening Your Life’s Purpose), and take care of Noah.
I hadn’t really made much progress with the book and I felt my journey into Awareness was a path I could not halt, that a progression of events would continue without me whether or not I had read enough to understand them. Reading the book proved to help me with some feelings I had been trying to fight since the party. I was feeling bitterness at some people because of many reasons, some ranging from feeling personally attacked to simply being disappointed by how they’ve changed.
After everyone left I finally could rant to Noah about what I didn’t like at the party. I soon realized that I could only see the bad, but overall the party was a huge success. It was then that I realized my journey to Awareness may continue without me, and I was becoming stagnant; leaving a pile of disappointments and grievances instead of a trail of past negativities left behind. The fact that Noah was feeling very sick and exhausted and thus didn’t have the energy to hear it made me realize it was a problem I needed to learn to cope with alone that day.
Anyway, I sat down to read the book and it began to talk about egoic aspects very relevant to my current feelings. Here’s a list of quotes I read in succession today that related to my current situation:
- “Ego implies unawareness. Awareness and ego cannot coexist. …every time it is recognized it is weakened.”
- “Complaining then turns into reactivity, another of the ego’s ways of strengthening itself.”
“To carry a grievance is to be in a permanent state of ‘against’.”
- “It requires honesty to see whether you still harbor a grievance”
- “Don’t try to let go of the grievance… Forgiveness happens naturally…”
“When you complain, by implication you are right and the person or situation you complain about is wrong”
- “There is nothing that strengthens the ego more than being right”
- “Being right places you in a position of imagined superiority…”
- “There is nothing that strengthens the ego more than being right”
“Ego takes everything personally.”
- “Ego confuses opinions and viewpoints with facts”
- “Every ego is a master of selective perception and distorted interpretation”
- “Only through awareness can you see the totality of the situation and person instead of adopting one limited perspective”
All of this New Age stuff is really getting to me! I prefer feeling that events in my life were set in front of me for a purpose. I am beginning to feel self conscious about it though. It’s embarrassing to tell everyone I believe all this stuff, but it’s the right way to go, and I’m really glad for it. I was talking to Noah about this book and he said “So this is like the Bible to you now huh?” I paused and he reassured me there was nothing wrong with that but I didn’t like the idea of relying on a book to sculpt how I think I should be.
It’s strange but when I first opened this book I was incredibly skeptical and didn’t think it would have much impact on me. The part that really made me keep my distance was that it said this book can’t just be “interesting”, that you had to believe in it to achieve Awakening. That made me leery of its concepts; it made me think this was some kind of scam that fooled people who didn’t feel any “awakening” into thinking it was their own fault.
I had accepted this book as simply “interesting”, but it didn’t seem to accept that about me, and soon what I was reading was somehow becoming reality in almost every way. It feels as if I’m trying to walk on the wrong path because it’s easier to travel but I’m being forcefully guided on the right one, and that something is making the wrong way less easy and more treacherous.
Perhaps this journey is easy because I’m being eased into committing myself to it and once I have committed to it I will be faced with more difficult events. This reminds me of a Roald Dahl story I read a while back called “The Wonderful story of Henry Sugar” (link to a better summary of the story) where a rich immoral man pursues a spiritual practice for selfish reasons and it ends up transforming him into a good person. It’s a great short story, I suggest you check out the book!
Anyway, besides Eckhart Tolle I also did a really cool drawing exercise meant to be done on one’s birthday. It was suggested to me by my English teacher who is helping me with this blog. It is supposed to tell you how your life in the following year will be like. Here’s the link to the directions, I HIGHLY suggest you do the exercise BEFORE looking at my drawing! It should only take a few minutes.
Snake: In the emotional quadrant. Emotionally I will/need to heal through expressing my vision and communicating my ideas. The tongue is in the physical quadrant which means I need to communicate to the outer world more (I need to put myself out there, presumably for the blog) I also need more beauty in my life…so maybe I need to appreciate nature more?
Flower: In the physical quadrant, so I’m most willing to be open to new things physically.
Bird: In the spiritual quadrant which is where I need to use communication. Interestingly, the beak is in the mental quadrant.
Path: In the emotional quadrant which means my goals are emotional (my goal is for happiness which is an emotion). It also leads to the Mountain but specifically does not lead to the shelter. So perhaps my emotional goals are geared towards spirituality.
Mountain: In the emotional quadrant, means I have a deep emotional connection with the sacred as in love and nature.
Butterfly: In the mental quadrant which means there is something I’m going to outgrow mentally. A symbol of transformation.
Tree: In the emotional quadrant. I’m going to go through natural emotional growth. The roots don’t show so I only want to share roots/origins with people I trust. I think it’s not that I don’t like sharing my roots with everyone but I don’t like to use my origins as a way to define who I am today.
Shelter: In the emotional quadrant, it means a strong emotional sense of self. I feel strong emotionally.
Overall: I think it’s really interesting that most of the symbols lay in the emotional quadrant as I never considered myself an emotional person and actually quite the contrary. I always assumed that it meant I was emotionally numb, that deep inside I’m a weak person but I’m so fragile I hide that part of myself but according to this it’s because I’m emotionally strong but I could do with emotional growth. I also found it strange that the beak of the bird and the tongue of the snake were in different quadrants than their bodies. It seems that communication is an important theme in my life right now which makes sense because I’m an inherently non-verbal person. The idea that I’m to outgrow something mentally takes me back to reading Eckhart Tolle and how I need to get out of my thoughts and mind and how the process has already begun.
Today wasn’t incredibly eventful, but a learning experience nonetheless.