Days 14: Expectations
This morning I went to the New Age bookstore that I’ve been frequenting lately. I was supposed to join another “Circle of Joy” session at 11am but I got there too early and had an hour to kill before it began. I looked through the store and began reading an astrology book. An old man perhaps in his 50’s or 60’s approached me and asked if I was reading with my mind or my soul. I told him I didn’t know and then he told me I was very old. I assumed he meant my soul was old and took it as a compliment. I asked him how old he was and said he was only 126 and said he was really young. He told me I should see him and gave me his card; he was a “Counselor-educator” and had a PhD!
It was a very strange experience; he didn’t seem peaceful like a monk, in fact on the contrary he seemed pretty abrasive and pushy. He gave me a brochure to see “Amma” a woman who was going to be in the area soon. I asked if it was free and he said I must have a little Jew in me! I feel as if this encounter was fateful in a way: I will be coming to the Amma event and maybe even contact this man if he doesn’t charge too much money (and no I’m not Jewish at all just poor).
I found somewhat of a bargain at the store. Packets of energy crystals for only $5 each! They were small so they fit perfectly in my medicine bag. I bought two: one for transformation (I thought I could do with something that would help me transform) and one for peace (It felt like I needed that the most). There were others; some for success, spirituality, love etc. On my way to take pictures of them I must have misplaced the Prehnite. But I’m going to assume that was meant to be.
My favorite is the labradorite. When I first took time to look at it I thought there must be a blue light somewhere reflecting off the stone, but then I realized it was inside the stone. A beautiful, rich blue that didn’t seem natural to originate from anywhere…it felt deeply spiritual. The ocean Jasper is amazing too, I suggest you google it and see how many forms it takes!
Later at the circle of Joy session I was a little disappointed; the same concept from the previous circle was repeated in essentially the same manner by the host and I felt like there wasn’t enough time to really understand what was going on. There was this repeated concept of drawing “energy” from above or from God. It was a good concept and I was taking it to heart but it just seemed that the session was meant to be a place where people could share their experiences, a place that was supportive of others’ problems and successes. The problem was there wasn’t enough time for that. I was excited to share my spiritual experiences but I didn’t have the opportunity. I do like the idea of it, but the structure was a little confusing to me.
Guess what? I saw 2 hawks today! I was driving home and they were flying low and close together. One veered off and disappeared but the other flew along the road. I was pretty much driving (slowly) with it until a car drove up behind me. It was an amazing experience!
Today my parents left for the weekend and let me throw a party at their house. I’m not really the type of person to have a lot of friends but I know plenty of people I get along with well. The problem is that none of my friends really know each other at all. When it comes to setting up a party we were worried that no one would enjoy themselves because they wouldn’t like each other. Usually when Noah and I considered having a get-together it was a stressful time. We would compile lists of who would get along with whom and which group of people would be most fun.
This time Noah and I decided to invite whoever I liked instead of being worried if they would end up liking each other. It ended up being a good plan and the party ended up to be a success. There were some extroverts and some introverts and I think the balance of the two ensured that things didn’t get too rowdy but it was still a good time. I was expecting to find out who my “true” friends were at this event and had expectations of how things would be.
While I considered the party a success, my expectations and reliance on form (vices, people, things etc) to make me happy were not met. I feel as if I’ve begun a journey I cannot reverse or even pause and if I don’t press on I will be stuck being disappointed with everything. It seemed I’m being gently guided through this journey and when I veer off the path I’m met with disappointments. I’m a little scared that if I don’t continue reading Eckhart Tolle and pursue whatever fateful opportunities come in my path I will lose everything that I expect to make me happy and won’t have learned how to be happy without it.
It was enlightening to see all the people I like together in one night. So many different personalities! I realized a lot about who I value and who values me. There were some friends I considered great and hoped for them to be permanent but tonight I saw them in a completely different light. It seems that some of them were so much younger before and they only grew in a certain direction. I’ve been reading about how people try to define themselves by what they want and have and I felt like many people there were gradually refining their self definitions into a very specific niche.
This saddened me, and made me wonder if I have somehow become like that without knowing. It’s hard for me to understand why someone would, in my perception, limit who they are by only allowing themselves to be a certain way. It brought me back to this experiment in general and my own spiritual journey for this month. I have always wondered what it was like to truly belong to one “category” or “type” of people, and that’s essentially why I started this. I also have never valued that common aspect of humanity, and in reading Eckhart Tolle realized I wasn’t alone in this philosophy.
I feel like discovering one’s self requires for this to happen. I mean, I’m sure these people are just realizing what they want/like/have and finding comfort in knowing that. So am I the one in the wrong? I’m always searching for what I really want, but what I want is happiness, and what I envision as happiness changes. Does that mean these old friends have a vision of happiness that simply stays the same? Or are their goals and wants not for happiness but for other words they equate to happiness like respect from others, success, riches etc?
I was pretty reluctant to actually have people over this weekend because it didn’t feel completely conducive to being New Age but I’m really glad I did and feel it was a fateful learning experience. Lately, everything feels like some kind of learning experience. This point of view makes life feel much more….useful than before. Even negative experiences have something to offer to me!
There was a bonfire at the party and we told everyone to bring brats. I was initially really excited because I LOOOVE Johnsonville beer brats but then I realized I’m vegan and can’t eat those. I got some Field Roast smoked apple veggie brats with sage in them and realized how amazing fake meat can be at tasting really good! It’s got a good consistency and kind of tastes like really mild tasting meat with lots of seasoning to make it taste stronger. I think they do really well making fake meat taste good.
AND it’s got sage!!
I also made homemade French fries! I’ve made them before and they have consistently been a big hit so I tried again, and again they were a hit. Some people even said they were the best French fries they’d ever eaten! I love making good food. The recipe really isn’t hard at all though, so its not some big feat that I accomplished.