Day 12: Relapse
Despite the fact I’ve been able to watch TV, go online, and eat animal products to my heart’s desire, the transition back to New Age is a rough and rocky road.
The night before I had Thai food with Noah at our favorite Thai restaurant. I was greatly looking forward to being vegan again because it would force me to eat healthy. I got a delicious stir fry with chicken and was looking forward to eating it the next day. This morning I realized I couldn’t eat the leftovers; there was CHICKEN in it, how stupid of me! I was also looking forward to the peacefulness New Age brought me.
It seemed my medicine bag significantly helped me deal with my negative emotions because whenever I was without it I felt volatile but whenever I wore it during the day frustrations didn’t seem to bother me. This is really interesting because I was convinced the medicine bag was doing nothing for the longest time so I have my doubts on the placebo effect. Though I was intensely hoping it would work because I really wanted it to, so maybe it’s The Secret? However it happened to work, it worked!
Today, I woke up at 10:30. It was so amazing to be able to genuinely rest! I know I mentioned this in my last post but I can’t help myself; it was so good! Being able to just relax and lay in bed is one of my greatest weaknesses: it’s like a drug. It reminded me of finishing girly girl and being voluntarily bedridden for spring break (instead of partying, I was on the internet!). After a while it began to depress me but not enough to stop. I had relapsed into my internet addiction, and there was no turning back. I couldn’t go on a computer without checking my favorite sites. Things seemed to escalate pretty quickly, and it was only when I decided on New Age and began the experiment when things changed.
Speaking of girly, the weather was nice so I got to wear my really cute dress I got in Vegas! Too bad it was only nice weather for the morning, then things got really bad pretty quick!
I only got about 2 days of internet time for this break, but today I realized how far I’d relapsed when I caught myself going on Cracked.com for no good reason. It was disappointing and a little frightening; I’d always considered myself in complete control of my impulses, that it wasn’t my impulses I needed to keep in check it was my laziness.
For some reason, the Internet had a pull on me I couldn’t resist. Vegas and I may not have chemistry but the internet always incites a passionate and scandalous affair. Poor Noah; sometimes he even complains about how he’s losing me to its charms.
Perhaps taking a break isn’t such a good idea after all. I just need to develop some sort of anti-laziness formula for these experiments. It makes things that much harder though when I’m so busy in general. I hate being busy; I hate it more than being lazy! I always see busy people and how pompous they act about their “full” lives; “sorry, we can’t hang out this weekend, or the next, I have a life you know…” and I guess it’s not that I really resent them. I more resent myself for trying to become like that, like I was wasting too much time enjoying myself instead of running around having obligations to other people. Being one of them I realize at times I have even less of a life than before I was busy; before I was busy Noah and I would just sit in his room all day doing nothing but enjoying each other’s company.
I think that’s a hard thing to accomplish with New Age: how do I experience the full spectrum of what it’s like to be New Age while valuing spare time? Aren’t New Age people supposed to be anti-busy? I mean, busy people are usually stressed out people who work too hard and are a bit high-strung right? So then New Age people can’t be too busy! But I need to read a mountain of books and try a year’s worth of activities in just a month. I’m not making good time on this thing.
Anyway, it was a gradual easing in today. Not an incredible amount of progress, but many revelations nonetheless. I made another giant dish of stir fry tonight along with some homemade sauce. I REALLY NEED to start making some different vegan recipes!! Vegan recipes intimidate me: anything with substitute meat, eggs, or dairy makes me cringe. I can’t help it; I just have this strong association with vegan food being a crappy sub-par substitute for the real thing. I kinda want to make a cookbook called “Naturally Vegan” with recipes that aren’t replacing old favorites but were originally made and just happen to not have any of the offending ingredients in them.
Completely irrelevant, but here’s a list in progress of benign foods that greatly intimidate me (not for political reasons, and most I still eat and like):
- Bananas (made me so constipated one time I had to go to the ER)
- Mexican food (I can’t eat it without looking like an idiot)
- Vegan pastries (usually really dry, and most likely the cook of them is anticipating your reaction while you eat them)
- Crappy burgers (from cafeterias, convenience stores etc. )
- Mangoes (I can’t eat it without looking like a dumbass, also the stringies get in my teeth at the only times when I don’t have floss nearby)
- Wendy’s (the 2 times I ate there, I got sick)
- Pho noodle soup
- Flax oil
- Food with tofu in it instead of meat
- Garbanzo beans